“I owned my smile , I owned my happiness ” one of my many day to day mantra .
I smile even if the situation is very hurting and confusing for I believed behind the facade of this situation is a rainbow of lessons awaits me . Lessons that would hone me into a better version of me .
I smile even if tears are rolling down from my cheeks for I believed every sorrow that I have walked through will make me stronger .
Even if it will rain I will smile with grateful heart for I know behind that storm clouds awaits the sunshine of joy.
I will smile to lighten one’s soul , to give them encouragement that no matter what, it is going to be okey .
Choose to share your smile , choose to be happy no matter what , choose to be a better You
Choose to smile to lighten one’s soul . Choose your inner joy
I read somewhere that in life’s survival we need to see the eight years old version of us and the eighty years old to guide us.
In my case I would like to reflect on that little chubby four or so girl who refuses to conform to what the society asked her to do .
I started early on going to school. At one point , I was not allowed to attend the classes because I was too young and there was not enough chairs for the legimate pre-schooler . But I love the free calamansi drink that the Protestant kindergarten school gave to their pre schooler that I have convinced my mother to buy me a chair . The following I walked confidently to the classroom bringing my own chair and a glass ( for the calamansi ) . There was no more reason that I was not allowed to attend those delicious and fun classes . For the next 4 years I have attended the kindergarten ( started as visitor at the age of two or something then nursery , kinder 1 and 2 )
Before my kinder 2 ends I have accompanied a cousin of mine who would take an entrance exam at a private elementary school .. at the end of the day I was accepted to joined the first grader for the following school year . I was five almost six I feel like I conquer the world 🙂
By March 1980, I was invited together with my parents to attend the recognition day since I was one of the top 10 in my class. My mother was still doing errands and I got anxious that I have to be late for the awarding ceremony that I took the matters in my hands I wore a green long dress ( I felt so pretty ) and wore my slippers ( not the fancy ones ) and halted a tricycle (a public transportation typical in the Philiplines) that brought to my school .
This is the typical me , I dont wait for things to happen .. as much as possible and if I can I will make it happen . You see me with my wide smile easy to talk aura and I would most of the time give in easily … But the one’s that I would say NO are non negotiable .
My bounderies have a clear cut if you step on it I would politely ask you to step back but if you persist…with a smile I am closing my doors .
At eight or so I have my own rules .. These rules that has guided me through the rough patches of my journey . When I would reflect the eighty in me I know I will have no regrets .
My heart is big , full of kindness and my trust is difficult to win .. But if and if I think its too much I have no second thoughts of taking people out of my life . For I believe that the last person that I should disappoint is ME .
I am scribbling randomly because I feel like it .. My way , my Rules ..
“Life is too short to be unkind to YOURSELF” — Holly Habeck
We tend to project and give in to the pressure of the society on what beauty is and the ideal body looks like . I am no exception to these I am 100% a whore to fit in the body image . I call myself Ms. Wanting to fit in .
This is where all it started
As a child I was always been chubby , I never had a complexity with my body . People who are dear to me have always accepted the way I am .
At 4 years
Until adolescence came knocking on my door .. Suddenly , I wanted to be the muse instead of a class mayor .. but year after year I never became one .
Induction of Officers for Circle K club U.P Tacloban chapter
Insecurities towards my body image started to creep in … I started to diet ..yes ! I tried all kinds of diet craze Atkins , fruit diet , cracker diet , no carbs, I just mimic the fad without understanding the principle behind every eating principles ..I yo-yoed my way through the “acceptable body” to the point that I have suffered an eating disorder .
Eating disorder the answer of my dreams ?
Just right after college I became more obsessed with controlling my weight .
It all started with just 2 spoons of rice and it has escalated to almost not eating ..The hunger sensations gave pleasure . My once chubby self has now changed into “the acceptable size ” .
I barely eat and even drinking water gave me that sense of fear and guilt to become fat . Hence anything that comes into my system must come out , Vomitting is the solution . I have the body that I have always dreamed of ( as I believed so)
Vomitting gave me that sense of control …
I had started with anorexia then turn to bulimia .. A love affair that would stay with me for quite awhile . I can still remember vividly how I would walked in and out to the kitchen of my aunt’s house ( I was living with them) so they won’t suspect that I haven’t eaten yet or I would tell my aunt that I ate with my friends or at my friends house, I always have an excuse ready to avoid eating.
Food at this phase is both an enemy and lover . There were days that just by staring I could visualize what’s in it and find reasons why I shouldn’t eat it . And if I do, it must come out of my system as fast as possible.
There were days when I would just eat because I felt the hunger. But then ended up feeling guilty because I ate .. and I would punished myself .
It was an endless vicious cycle .. I thought it was a part of a diet and has denied the fact that I have an early on set of anorexia -bulimia .
When you suffered from eating disorders it stays with you even if you have overcome the adversity .. It is like having a sleeping demons inside of you that would be awaken anytime a situation becomes uncontrollable or you want to punish yourself.
Looking stunning from the outside ..suffering from the inside
The Turning Point
December 25, 2003 as I battled my inner demons I gave birth to a beautiful son . It’s the only perfect unconditional love that I know. I would do anything and everything for him and that includes healing myself.
Rerouting to a healthier path is never easy . It is a cocktail of relapsing , patience and moving forward . All I know is that giving up is not an option.
Embracing my womanhood means it is not compromising yourself to the fads of diet schemes . It is appreciating every curves and marks that my body has . Sleeping at a decent time and eating the right healthy portion .
Exercise at least 30 mins a day would help clear your mind and cleanse your skin . Yoga is my favorite it is in harmony with my whole being with respect and acceptance to who I was and who I am now .
LOVE HEALS …
The cardinal rule of becoming healthy are Exercise , Proper diet , adequate sleep and LOVE .
Love plays a major role here .. this is the basic principle in succeeding into our health goals .
Because of Love we will try to respect and listen to our body. It is due to this respect that we are motivated to nourish both our body and mind ( through meditation )
Love pushes us to honor our agreement with our health . This is manifested through our dedication towards our exercise goals .
Love radiates inward that would makes us feel better . Loves exudes outward as our confidence grow and our determination persevere .
Love taught me and is teaching me lessons .
As Rumi said
“Let yourself be drawn by the stronger pull of that which you truly love.”
Special thanks to my editor
Ms.Marelle Apas who patiently read every single word of my chaotic blog
My Family who helped me walked through the challenges of life and My Friends , my personal dolphins who listens with open soul.. forever grateful
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